Nine Years

It has been nine years today since my dad unexpectedly passed away. Nine years of life that just kept moving on without him. Nine years of highs, lows, sickness, successes, sports, graduations, pets, holidays, birthdays and accomplishments. Nine years of life he didn't get to share with us here on Earth. I know he is sharing it with us from Heaven, but let's be honest...that just isn't the same.

I don't get overly emotional about the death of my dad anymore. It's been nine years. I've had a lot of time to process, to grieve, to remember, and to cry. If I'm being honest, June 8 rolls around each year, and I sort of forget it's the date of his death, but then I panic thinking I forgot it, and I have to poke around the internet to remind myself that his death did indeed occur on June 8. I don't like to remember this particular date. I'll never forget his birthday. I'll never forget my mom and dad's anniversary. But the date of his death? I don't like to remember it.

I get emotional over my dad on unexpected days. For instance, I can be driving near Fresno State in the Fall with the Bulldogs getting ready to play a big football game. That has reduced me to sobs. Another "out of the blue" crying jag will hit me when I heard any song by Josh Groban. I swear it's my dad talking to me through his songs! I think of you when I see cows and trains. In my head, I count the train car colors and thank the cows for my milk. I think of you when I see mailmen. I think of you when I go on a candy binge and eat circus peanuts. I think of you when I see old fashioned hard Christmas candy.

Dad, we miss you so very, very much. Gosh, you would have been so stinking proud of Evan and Hudson. Evan's graduation day was hard without you there. You would have been beaming with pride to see your grandson earning the most awards and reading his letter to the whole congregation. You would have loved seeing Evan play basketball. You would have been so excited to see him win contests this year. It's been a really neat year for that kid. We still have that little sea lion that you gave Evan from the post office. I don't keep a lot of things, but I'll never give that away.

Hudson reminds me of you quite a bit. I see those dark brown eyes of his and remember those last pictures I have of you and him at Easter with you wearing bunny ears. You would have been the best grandpa to sit and listen to Hudson's crazy long-winded stories. You would have loved to see him play flag football and basketball. You would have been so proud of what an amazing reader this kid is. You would have been so proud of him getting straight A's in school.

I hope you would have been proud of me. I'm finally going back to school to get my administrative credential. I'm not sure of my plans for the future, but I want to be ready for it if an opportunity presents itself. I hope you would have been proud of me as a mom and wife. I hope you would have been proud of me as a teacher.

Sometimes I think back and wonder if you were aware of what was happening that last day. I also wonder if you were in pain before that day, but for reasons only you will know, you didn't go to the doctor to have it checked out. You were in pain most of your life. It hurts my heart to think of you being scared on that last day. It happened so fast. No warning. No idea that you were hurting. I know that you heard me when I saw you in the hospital that night. You squeezed my hand and made a little squeak to let me know you were with me.

I know you are still with me. I just wish it was here. It sucks not having you here. I am having a hard time processing the fact that you have been gone for nine years. That first year was filled with so many "first times without Dad" moments. Then life moves forward and we get busy with the day-to-day job of bills, school, grades, dinner, sports, and more.

I just wish we had had more time. It comforts me to think of you watching us from Heaven. There was one very specific incident where you "spoke" to me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you were telling me that you were with me. I'd love to "hear" from you again!

I just want you to know that we are good. Eric and I have been married for 15 years, we are raising two incredible boys, and we have puppies. Oh my word you would LOVE the puppies! My great sadness is that Evan's memories of you are fading and Hudson was only a year and a half when you left. I keep you alive through stories. The kids know you. I just wish they had had the chance to know you here.

Keep watching over us. I love you, Dad.

April 2018 Recap

The month of April feels like it was so long ago given the fact that May was CRAZY busy, hectic, emotional, and long. I'll post several different stories about our May happenings later this week...or at least that's my goal!

I enjoyed Easter Break. Coffee in bed with the first coffee cup I ever purchased. Side note: I go through phases where I break free of caffeine. I think I have gotten myself to a point where I enjoy one cup of coffee each morning...but no more. Afternoon caffeine headaches are not fun.

Hudson enjoyed late mornings snuggling in my bed.

For the first time in many years, my school held a Mother/Son Dance. I went to one with Evan when he was in first grade. #hatedit  All we did at that dance was run around like loons and sweat. I wasn't overly interested in attending this year's dance, but Hudson was quite adamant that he wanted to go.

Actually, the conversation went something like this:

Mom: Hey Hudson, were you wanting to go to the Mother/Son Dance?

Hudson: Of course I want to go! Why wouldn't we go?

Mom: (fake cheer) Oh yes, we'll go! 

I wasn't about to disappoint the child, so Eric and Evan headed to Evan's basketball game and Hudson and I got ready to dance the night away. If anything, it gave me a reason to do my hair and makeup.

Just a bit of truth talk...my body image is at an all-time low at the moment, so I try to appreciate the times when I feel positive about myself. I liked how I looked for Hudson's dance.

Silly faces before we head out.

It's hard to understand how my youngest is 10 and getting ready for 6th grade. When they are little it feels like they'll never grow up.

I was glad that the theme of the dance was "sports." I had a Warriors shirt on and Hudson wore a basketball shirt. However, I apparently didn't get the memo of being "matchy-matchy." Honestly, it didn't even occur to me to try to match each other, but it seemed EVERY OTHER MOM instinctively knew to do this. There were matching mom/son outfits everywhere. #mamatried

The dance had super cute decorations. The big hit of the night was the bowls filled with bubble gum. We took lots of gum home. There wasn't much dancing. Hudson and I literally only danced ONE time. I tried to get him to dance more, but he was much more interested in hanging out with his friends and running around outside. At least I didn't have to tie a balloon to my ankle and have small children try to pop it like I did years ago.  That was horrible.

I sat at my table eating candy and talking with an aide that works at our school that I haven't had a chance to get to know very well. It was nice learning more about Monica, so I'll call the dance a success, even if there wasn't much dancing.

The rest of April consisted of lots of AAU basketball games for both kids. We had Friday/Saturday night games pretty much every weekend.

We were really proud of Evan this year because he got selected for the "B" team, but through hard work and dedication, he worked his way up to the "A" team and got a lot of praise from his coaches. Often times, they used him for both the A and B teams. There were some weekends where we were going to seven basketball games between the two kids!

Hudson had a fun AAU season and has steadily improved in his basketball skills. He enjoys his friends that he has made on the team and helped lead his team to a couple of wins. 

Spring AAU is over, but we have moved into the high school level AAU for the summer league. That is only for Evan. He is training anywhere from 2-4 times a week and will be starting daily weight training and skill classes. I really have fun watching his basketball games, even though they are getting more and more stressful as the play becomes more and more intense.

Apparently, we had a cold April day where I broke out a heavy winter sweater!

I did a little bit of exercise. Clearly, I enjoy it. #noidont

Sometimes I ate healthy meals.

My little Huddy Buddy. He still gives me great hugs.

Eric and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. Wow! Feels like an eternity, and it feels like yesterday all at the same time. We have grown so much together in 15 years. And we looked so young!

We don't typically do gifts for our anniversary, so I was super surprised when I got roses delivered to me at school!  I gotta admit, I really loved it! Getting flowers delivered is such a girly thing that makes me all gooey inside!

We spent our anniversary at my school's Open House. Then we went out to a late dinner at Tahoe Joe's, so that part was fun!

That's the wrap up for April.